For anyone who happen to come across this site and expecting some edgy insights about the study of philosophy, let me just straighten it out from the very beginning: This is (probably) just another blog run by a stereotypical millennial whining about life, which I do realize in all actuality is basically pointless. And I am using the word “philosophy” in a casual manner.
It has been only a few days since the start of the holiday break, and I am weirdly more tense than I should be embracing the joy of doing nothing or having zero imminent responsibilities… or at least it seems so (the word “THESIS” just popped out in my head). As the brain is not occupied with anything immediate, my mind began to wander around the endless uncertainty of the future when I realized it is only eight months left until the end of my graduate program.
That is where an old f(r)iend, the so-called “real world”, started waving back at me as if reminding me of how I am in a coveted state of unemployment and that I should start thinking of my next plans, which I have absolutely no clue about.
Being struck by such thoughts while panicking inside during the cold winter does not help at all. After mindlessly browsing internship and job opportunities for next year–feeling the efforts are adequate for the time being, too–I decided to go out with a few friends for a chat, bonding over the fact that we are stuck here at a still-foreign atmosphere, and not home for Christmas and New Year. Most of them have had jobs for years before taking their current study leave, and as they are aware of the remaining duration of my stay, they naturally ask the very question I am afraid I still have no answer to: “So, what’s next for you? Any plans yet?”
I told them I would just basically try any chances given when the time comes. They offer me advice and stories from their experience, which is a very nice gesture, and I wholeheartedly appreciate their concern. I understood that school and work are different, and that I should ready myself to be adaptable and quick-thinking at the same time; and that is mostly what they warn me about, but I still keep them in mind because… I suppose understanding what is to come and actually understanding from experience are two different things as well. Some challenges they told me from their experience scared me, and although they say it will be alright, I guess it’s too late as my brain has recorded it as a threat. Thanks, guys. But really, thanks.
I pondered upon what is at stake for me in the near future, on whether I will be ready for the end of this specific chapter of my education, and start assuming the responsibility as an employee (yikes!), a part of an intricate system where you are not allowed to make mistakes; not to mention the need to socialize with new people, be it your superior or your colleagues. That thought immediately hyperventilates me.
But is anyone ever ready to take the plunge? Do they just dive in and try to float for survival? What if they cannot swim through to wing the system and finally just sink in the abyss of indifference to one’s life as a whole? How does one examine life? Does being happy matter? To me? Am I just scared of the shadow of the future, or am I trying to reason this all out because I am just a lazy, spoiled ass?
All this mumbo jumbo of confusion leads me to starting this blog, an attempt to resolve the unhelpful, blithering questions I have in mind, hampering me to get things done immediately. Fat chance, I know, but well, apparently it is widely more accepted to die trying than doing nothing at all.
But why blog it? Why not just keep a journal or something? Well, perhaps despite all the self-evident anti-social qualities of my persona, deep down I still secretly hope that I am not alone facing the whole wide world, ready to eat me once I left an equally scary, but relatively safer place called school.
So there you have it. I would pointlessly roam through the depths of my fear of the future and unproven theories of life itself, try to rationalize my actions or thoughts of it in pursuit of learning more about myself, and shove it to everyone who happens to stumble along this blog.