Sleepless Now

Write a post entirely in the present tense.

Source: Write Here, Write Now

I cannot sleep even though I want to. Being kept up at night has become a routine for the past year, yet weirdly one will never be able to escape that feeling of wanting to sleep whilst struggling to, which is pure agony.

I am trying to sort out the jumble of thoughts I have in my head as I always do every night. Perhaps it takes a while. I question myself on whether I am satisfied on my time allocation today, which I can easily reply with a negative. I have not started anything with the thesis as I should have. Instead, I have been busy binge-watching YouTube videos. I am quite proud of myself because I am currently keeping in touch with some piano practice time, which is more like a little therapy session, as I try to recover from a past trauma in learning music. Yet it feels like it is not as important as starting the thesis, or making up my mind on whether I should just fly home and if doing just that will help me be more productive.

I am awake out of this oddly void feeling in my chest. Not only because of the ghost of what I am supposed to be using my time with, but also because the loss of a significant pastime with a constant friend, which unconsciously saddens me more than it has in all actuality. The fear of what is to come in the following months with that particular feeling suddenly rushes to my mind,  which does not help with the restlessness.

I do want to sleep at reasonable hours, and I do want to wake up a bit earlier, which I reckon may just help with my time-management issue and all the starting-with-the-feeling-of-accomplishment thing. I am gravely concerned with my intensified nocturnality, yet I am not even capable of at least tricking myself to send me to bed early. Mild exercises? Only makes me feel fresher than before. Warm milk? Makes me feel bloated, and my bladder just cannot cooperate with all the intake of liquid. Lullabies and slow songs? Nope.

This irks me to no end, which is probably why I cannot give any more fucks that I decided to go on the internet and just whine it out in a blog post. How bloody original. Millennials.

Has anyone ever felt as powerless over a stupid, petty habit? I try identifying the cause to no avail. I try all the tips and trick available, again, to prove them useless. It is like having no control whatsoever no matter how hard your attempts are and how you are willing to fight it. Even if you resort not to fight it, there is no guarantee that things will naturally normalize either. Is this the very definition of a vicious cycle? Or is it circle? Great, now that someone has coined the term, has anyone ever explained how to get out of it? Do people just do nothing because they come to take it for granted that some things are unsolvable?

I will just put away all the electronic devices after I publish this and most likely sleep at 6 am in the morning again.


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