In Retrospect

If you could return to the past to relive a part of your life, either to experience the wonderful bits again, or to do something over, which part of you life would you return to? Why?

Source: If I Could Turn Back Time

With all due respect to the “I won’t be the way I am now if I don’t make my previous mistakes” responses unusually popular among most people, I actually would be glad if this chance came upon me. I can even come up with a list of the things I did that are not worth the embarrassment I carry on up to today.

As overtly noticeable from my response above, comparably I lack the fun part of my life to reminisce about that it hinders me to recall any moments I would willingly return to. Trust me, you would if you have problems with anxiety and social incompetence, mixed with enough anger issues surrounding your childhood and adolescence.

Yet to reduce those memories into one for the former, or in enormous effort to come up with one for the latter, I would provide one part for each of the two instances.

If I were to return to the past and I am able to retain my current memory of being conscious enough to realize all the horrible things I did as a child, I guess it would probably be a couple of months before my 7th birthday. I was an obnoxious kid, yes, but by then, it was not too late to actually change for the better, like being nicer to the other kids in the class and not actually bully a few new students. See, this is why bullying is never a good thing even if you are the bully. Despite being in a more advantageous position then, the horrible memories and the guilt will haunt you all your life, like you are constantly indebted to make up for the ridiculously mean things you did to other people even though you were a child by that time.

I reckon it would also be nice for little me to be more relaxed on how I carry myself, because I was bizarrely tense as a kid, emitting all the signs of being a self-destructing perfectionist with how I feel like I need to show the others that I can do everything at school really well. Now even only thinking about that is awfully exhausting.

But the main reason why I would like to go back to that particular time is because I wished I would be able to avoid doing and saying something really bad to my Mum. Now this is another example of those things that will haunt you for life even though people tend to be permissive considering you were just a child when you did that, also the whole mumbo-jumbo of things happening in your family by then. While the previous reasons center towards me mostly doing it for myself, this one falls more onto the fact that I genuinely wish I don’t hurt my Mum with my words and actions then. Again, even though she has by all means forgiven me and brushed it off as something a child didn’t understand doing, if I had the chance to prevent that from happening, I will, as well as the other times I might have inflicted pain to my parents or my siblings because I was just mostly angry at myself.

Why, that seems to almost touch upon the decrepit core of my soul. Moving on to the merrier part of the post.

Considering there really isn’t much to offer in the earlier times of my life, I guess I have no choice but to dwell in the events which occurred in the nearer past. I would like to rewind to five months ago when I actually manage to travel just for the heck of it to one of the places I have always wanted to visit: The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I managed to save up and actually traveled to Osaka last August, and I should say it was one of the highlights of 2015 for me, apart from successfully, and unexpectedly, obtaining new friends throughout the year, making gradschool less of a bleak place to be in. Needless to say, the moment I set foot in the theme park was almost surreal as I feel like I just took a plunge to my childhood dream, or maybe that coming out to life… honestly, I can’t decide which expression describes it best, but it was such an amazing feeling. All the anxiety before the departure was totally worth the experience, because not only that I made it to (although make-believe, but that could be overlooked) Hogsmeade with my own two eyes, I really enjoyed the remaining time I spent in Osaka and Kyoto as well.

That was quick. And arguably petty as well. But I suppose that is the proper description of worldly bliss; short-lived, usually constitutes of trivial stuff, yet strong enough to make an impression, or generate warm and tingly feelings in the chest to make one go on through life… well, most of the time.

I believe that is enough unproductive recollection and inductive reasoning for me today.

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