Spur-of-the-moment

Our days are organized around numerous small actions we repeat over and over. What’s your favorite daily ritual?

Source: Just Another Day

Clock shows 9pm. I turn on my desk lamp and off goes the main one. Stream the radio online and read stuff while waiting for the new prompt at exactly 10pm local time. Came up with my take on it, which usually take quite a while. A moment to throw or save some thoughts out of my brains. Another before I drift off to sleep as I regret another day shying away from real responsibilities like my thesis, but felt it is well-spent with what I came up with on the blog because that is actually what I like doing. And off to blackness or land of the unconscious–I mean, dreamland.

This recently developed pseudo-productive ritual has become the highlight of my day for around six weeks, and I wish I can just keep doing this instead of the whole academic ordeal. Being on my own at night, creatively ranting–err, I mean, writing.

That is exactly the catch: I’m a bit worried that I’m enjoying this only because it is a diversion. That it’s currently and definitely the only better option available.

I have enjoyed writing ever since I can remember, but I never really thought about this more than a hobby–something that I simply like doing. It might cross my mind once that I would one day make it my job, but I realize doing that will need to be balanced with having a job that will sustain me so that I could write full-time. That still could be pursued, but in the meantime, I’m happy with this new habit I am developing. It doesn’t have to be anything big; writing daily cultivates the discipline I lack on the first place, and… with or without the prospect of publishing a book, I really just want to write out my thoughts and tell stories I have in my head.

The reasons why I fear that this is only temporarily enjoyable is twofold. One is because I get bored of things very easily, which explains the scholarly fatigue partially responsible for the non-progressing thesis writing. Another is because of this particular experience I had when I was in my final year of university and I told a few close people that I am done with the major I took, and that eventually I would like to work in the media instead, particularly the radio.

I vividly remembered it was the most hectic semester I was in, and that I basically just want to leave school quickly so that I can immediately get a job and make money. I studied about international politics then, and I did enjoy learning about it. Yet there is only so much one can do to deal with the topic without feeling so little and eventually become jaded with it. I have always liked the idea of working in the radio, and that is the first thing that came up to my mind whenever people ask me what I want to do after graduation. Obviously it does not push through because I lack the experience in many ways, and I ended up going to gradschool, majoring in the same rabbit hole again. The sad thing was, there was that one point when I thought I am fooling myself when I go around saying how I am interested in something as a career prospect, but never really get involved in anything related to it except from being a passive listener; that it might be something I say in passing, just to get people stop asking me why I want to graduate so quickly so that they sense I have another thing I would like to do.

The interest to take a shot at working on the radio or anything that involves writing is now definitely still there. But I reckon this attraction needs reassessment, at least to figure whether it’s, again, merely a short-lived urge that will soon lose its charm once the leviathan called thesis-writing and scholastic spree is over. Furthermore, specifically when it comes to writing, I do not want to give up this one thing I can always do to retrieve my sanity just because, one day, it was consumed by material concerns and became an obligation–that it feels more and more like work than a creative expression–and turns out I am unable to find the “fun” I used to have while it was simply a private pastime.

You see, being able to properly recognize your choice of entertainment which also serves as a channel to collect yourself whole in a daily basis is no easy feat. Not to mention turning it into a profession.

Well, at least for me, the question “What do you like to do?” has always been a tough nut to crack nonetheless.

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