Mere Rhetoric

Pinpoint a moment in your past where you had to make a big decision. Write about that other alternate life that could have unfolded.

An imaginary rewind submitted for the prompt: The Road Less Traveled

It was May 30, 2014.

The result was out and, exceeding expectations of my teachers and peers, I climbed up the category, making me more than eligible to continue my stay. Relief wasn’t quite the right word to describe what I feel right now, as I was a reluctant test-taker in the first place. I made the minimum cut last January, and I have been increasingly demotivated to learn because I felt lacking in the daily conversation bit, but the classes were divided based on the test results instead. I somehow feel the test only discourage me more because it proves how it doesn’t really measure one’s proficiency as it should have–I mean, come on, I stuttered and simply pull a hodgepodge of whatever sound like I am learning together it doesn’t make sense, and I actually passed.

It’s fair enough for me to say that’s the biggest joke in my life so far, much like the whole education system. Or life as a whole.

That was when it occurred to me that learning at home would probably be a better option. Maybe ending it this term will be better because I will finish the language program instead of quitting graduate school midway. I mean, I chose to take this program not because I am passionate about the subject; it was simply the better option rather than being jobless for too long. Instead, a year abroad learning a new language doesn’t sound too bad, so I went for it. Right, I was here only for the language program on the first place anyway.

So I decided to go home and discontinue it before it’s too late to back down simply because it is not in me to end things without giving it a chance. I seized the moment, which brings me to today.

The first month being home was a total honeymoon phase. I got the ideal concept of a home and my previous living arrangement completely mixed up, and what follows was a shitstorm. No, it’s not the fact that I took “The Great Leap Backwards” by going back to my old part-time job that made me feel worse after the whole mumbo-jumbo with the dysfunctionality that is my family (no worries, at least my brothers realize that we are fighting a lost cause if we say the otherwise). I might face some extent of regret for leaving the program, but I reckon I was tactful enough to think that it is pointless mulling over spilt milk. I guess what upsets me more is that whichever decision I made back then won’t matter much; the fates simply won’t give me a break and just let me live my already miserable life in peace by giving me a decent job.

But what mostly gets to me would be how thick I can get that I somehow was made to believe, in some point in my life, Lady Randomness (or Goddess of Fortune as she is more widely known) would be tired enough to troll me that she would grant me enough certainty. I’m not sure who planted such seed of foolishness in my brain that I can be confident enough that measly things like both formal and informal education will get me somewhere secure enough.

The catch was not about greediness or gratefulness of what’s in sight; it’s about how little control one has for even one’s own life. Or do we even own any? Does one single life matter? Was the fact that there were options or the lack of it makes any difference? Absurdity, or shit, as it is more commonly known, is constant. That simultaneously reiterates both the significance and insignificance of how one defines life and the value it carries to each individual.

Perhaps that’s the cue for me to build quality relationships with people who loves and develops me as much as I do them. Fuck all the niceties and courtesy, y’all ain’t climbing up the personal sphere and get the best (or worst) out of me.

Briefly speaking, hypothetical scenarios (like this one), as much as life, can be fun only if you are allowed to actually have one. Both are pointless unless that’s what one meant it to be and is okay with it being so, much like this blog. Wait, what blog was I talking about?

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One comment

  1. Ngobesing Romanus · February 22, 2016

    I am happy to be reading your post.

    Liked by 1 person

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