A Serendipitous Speculum

Spiderman has one. So does Wonder Woman. What about you?

Source: Origin Story

Oh, how this blog has been deserted. Thesis-writing and all the procrastination in between has deprived me from simply ranting out; all the more has it numbed the ridiculous nerve on my brain to produce absurd, half-baked stories. Anywho, it’s good to be back. Talkin’ ’bout finally.

Now, let me begin the post with a tradition I have tried to keep thus far: being firstly nitpicky to the point of indecisiveness before finally deciding to answer it with a story anyways. I mean, it doesn’t take one to be a fictional superhero to have a back-story, dunnit? Not only that the supervillains have interesting stories as well, but also that everyone have each of their own stories–how the turn of events in one’s life were reasoned in different ways that make people come to different decisions, and how that affects one’s personality or constructs one’s identity. Moreover, I reckon I have posted quite an amount of stories about my past, which are plainly embarrassing rather than introspective in a way that they do not exude a “hero-in-the-making” feel from each of the experiences. But surprise, surprise, allow me to step into the spotlight none has the intention giving to me, and tell you my story about how I came to realize that I was a bully at the tender age of twelve.

Remember those days when having an account in Pottermore felt like getting a membership to a super bougie-ass, exclusive club of the elites, and us peasants were left with free fan-made or magazine quizzes to get sorted into a Hogwarts House? Yeah, so most of the time, if you’re a baddie, you always ended up in Slytherin (which has not really changed much especially if you see most people, even the former child actors who were believed to have the utmost legitimacy *insert eye roll here* to decide, sort us cool peeps. Still can’t face the fact that it’s true? Slither the way out #ayyy). It goes without saying that I was a bit self-conscious about getting such results when I was younger, and I ended up taking the tests again to prove to my peers that at least I was “not Slytherin”. Shame really. Pretty ironic as well because the method in itself self-explains what a “stereotypical” Slytherin I was.

Weird thing was the real reason why I do not want to be sorted as a Slytherin was because I did things Draco, whom I somehow regarded as a representative of the house, did in the book/movie: bullying. At school, I used to be impossibly hot-headed and competitive (without realizing I was on the first place) especially when the boys started to make fun of the girls in the class, calling us weak and whiny. I remember having a strong sense of proving them the otherwise that I would boss around my friends to do better at sports, and that I would get mad at them if they aren’t willing to cooperate with me, or if we lost the game. I would also indiscriminately alienate every new students and somehow make fun of them if I heard an odd or embarrassing piece of information about them in their old school so the other kids would not want to be friends with them. Why I did these horrible things, I would not be able to explain why if asked then. In fact, I would not even realize that they were horrible in any ways, which is a tell-tale sign of a sociopath that should be enough for my teachers to freak out to my parents about. Strangely enough, I never recalled if I have been reprimanded for even “not playing nicely with peers” by any of the teachers at school, and my parents seem not to get notified of how bad my attitude towards other students. Not sure if they just never have the conversation with me, or I was a skilled sociopath already back then… which means I am still a closeted one now? Dun dun dun.

Feel free to stop reading the rest of the post if this sounds too much of a mind-trick. Honestly (or not), I am not entirely sure myself.

Up to that point, I had no clue that I have bossed around my friends because I believe that it is important to do things “right” and get the “right” results (red. results that I wanted), and thus I believe I am doing the right things without considering how that made others feel. In cases when I was wrong, which were most of the time, or that I do not get the results I actually wanted, it was so easy for me to dismiss it because they don’t cooperate well with me. In addition to the fact that I have not been told off by any of the adults surrounding me, my classmates somehow still stick around, making me think I didn’t do anything bad; that they just would not understand unless I make them. With fear, unfortunately.

Going back to how this relates to Harry’s world, I guess I began to realize that I did something wrong every time I was confronted with Draco’s actions in the earlier books and the movies. Countless were the times I just hated his smugness, thinking to myself, “What a jerk. Acting like he’s the shit and all”, which then switches to a thought of a classmate I picked on, asking myself, “wait, did I…? N’ah, that guy deserves it. Weirdo”. Those tiny moments of realization was followed by huge denials which, eventually, I could no longer just shrug off my shoulders. To top that, somebody finally stood up on me on sixth grade, followed by a huge role reversal a year after. Karma is a bitch. Oh well, I guess I deserve it anyways.

To put it simply, I was warned internally, and at the same time, I definitely did learn the hard way. Studying at the same school with more or less the same classmates I have always been with, especially those I used to bully, definitely caused a huge turmoil for me. I was not a bully anymore then, but I was one before no matter how I changed overtime. Naturally, demanding room for second chances probably was a bit too much for a bunch of teenagers, busy dealing with their own issues. Not to mention my temperament was a handful in itself back then. With chances to environmentally start anew and heal, although I cannot say the same with the people who grew up with me, I can at least say that I am no longer a bully, nor am I trapped in the haunting identity as a former bully.

Years after, when Pottermore finally democratizes itself, I managed to get properly sorted, and, again, was placed in Slytherin. By no means it highly influences the way I define myself now, but this time, I undoubtedly felt more comfortable with the result as opposed to how I used to strongly react against it. As much as the earlier books canonically put “baddie” Draco and the gang as the face of Slytherin, the later ones (most noticeably the profile story in the website) show how he was just another snotty kid that once misbehaved because he did not know better. He wasn’t portrayed to change dramatically and was even accounted to be “a person of dubious morality”, but at least he did not stay the same brat he was. He was a bully, but he did not remain one.

Moreover, there is so much more about being sorted in Slytherin. Sharing a house with Merlin, having eyed for the seed of greatness, being resourceful, sleek, powerful, and frequently misunderstood… are not exactly half-bad, are they? Just me? Aight.

The past can only give off so much of what you become today, and that is not even final just yet. Not as much as how this post have determined that I am an ultimate geek, of course.