So, it finally came to this: I finished writing my thesis.
The fact that it is outrageously half-baked is an understatement, but apparently, it is somehow remarked “Satisfactory”. I can’t help but think my advisory professor only passed me because there would be too much students he would need to advise next semester if I were to stay for another one. Thus I suppose I repeat yet another cycle of feeling like another milestone of my life is another pathetic joke.
A sealed approval by the advisor and I officially will change my status from “graduate student” to “unemployed as fuck”, which–let’s just be real–is technically the same. In midst of the whole waiting process which has always made me feel antsy, I managed to deal with job-seeking, administrative works and thesis formatting; which is not bad considering how dysfunctional I had been months before under pressure I probably created in my own head. Boy, have I learned the hard way. I cannot wait ’til all of this is done by the end of this month.
Despite all the things I have managed to cross off of the lists, I still cannot decide on two things: what to write on my acknowledgment page, and whether I am attending the graduation ceremony. Both problems, I conclude, stem from how I felt regarding the outcome of the thesis. The writing process is what I’d like to call “convenient research”, and I felt like I have not enough credentials to assume what people consider a high-level educational degree from it. Simply put, the graduation is not worth celebrating, imo.
I talked about this with a friend, which she also pointed out probably is part of the reason why I procrastinated. She also mentioned that somehow obtaining a Master’s degree had more to do on the support we gained from our family and friends rather than it is about the academic experience, which I am probably yet to grasp fully. In the end, the world still operates in a way that what is written on paper somehow speaks more rather than taking account of the other factors that contribute to how those results are generated, so I should not beat myself too hard. But I guess that is where the insecurity crept up from.
With my most humble intentions, I can objectively say that my academic records have considerably appeared pretty good, but I reckon it’s more of a matter of time management and effort calculation rather than a measure of intellect. To some people, it proves the otherwise, which in a way attributes to how they overestimate their confidence and expectations of me. This happened to many a times among the people I’m closest with, which is why it has been quite bothersome.
On the other hand, I can never be sure if all the “You can do it”s are just passing statements or biased evaluations; meaning either way, I am fucked.
If to be really is to be perceived, then it sucks. Imagine the whole expectations one needs to struggle with. You can only wish it starts from being perceived that one eventually becomes. Not sure if I’m going to put all my money in it, though.
Perhaps the least I can do is leave the word “miracle” out of the acknowledgment page. I ain’t tainting God’s extraordinary body of work with an abomination that is my thesis.
Well, unless it is affirmative his mercy influences my professor’s decision.