Stupefied by the Second

Crossed another sixth on the date, and I officially passed my sixth month on the job. I’m finally halfway through! Woohoo!

Despite last month’s holiday high lasted only for the first ten-or-so days and the fact that it ended because of a stupid “cupless” incident, I can’t be bothered by it because I felt like I have finally reached the turning point of constant numbness. You know, when work suddenly feels automatic and you turn to this corporate robot who answers and acts according to the “manuals” you have spent your first three months getting used to? Yeah, I’m on top of the curve now, more a machine and less than a human with legit brains and feelings, sliding my way down towards the all stupid drama of corporate life… or at least, I hope so.

Other than that, I still feel pretty sure that I am going to look for new opportunities come next November.

All in all, I am still grateful that my colleagues are very nice with me that I feel like I have somehow made friends at work now. I am glad that one person–or maybe two–within the higher ranks is someone I can talk to get help from and confide with; restrictively work stuff, of course. But then there will be pretty huge changes come the end of this month, and for that, my worrywart ass can’t help but sweat over to the point where my imaginary pit stains are showing.

Compared to the previous months, I felt more “okay” with random demands and texts which sometimes go with the job, if that makes sense. I still don’t condone it, especially if I were in the position that allows me to do so later in the future, but I guess I respond to it less outwardly grumpy. I am convinced that’s partly because of time. I do have this weird knack for slipping into new routines relatively easily despite it not necessarily a good habit to keep up to, which scares me most of the time. From the counseling session early this month, it brings me utter relief that it’s not because I have compliance issues anymore, and I’m quite sure of it. I am pretty certain it’s not because I was holding any discontent either, so I suppose this lethargic-like feeling is acquired through time, but also maybe because I am in a somewhat-better place.

By that, I meant I felt less stuck than I was before. Maybe it is because of the change I am yet able to disclose even though it entails a portion of uncertainty, or that I do finally got used to things that time, for me, now began to seemingly pass a lot quicker because I still feel elated that I actually managed to reach midpoint.

It feels good, and I don’t think anybody would understand how difficult it is for me to come to acknowledge it. Whilst this whole job thing is a bit more manageable than it was, I reckon there is a whole other issue with myself that I need to deal with. Other than the shitty family drama that lurks behind every end of the month, or every corner of the holidays, my proneness of being washed over by guilt every time I feel good or expect anything positive is something I need to eventually address. That’s right; I get the heebie-jeebies for feeling or hoping that things will get better or work out. I don’t know why or how, because previously I thought I was just being cautious, and it’s okay, but now I’m not so sure.

On that note, I’d like to think it is not any exaggeration that I vehemently pray for my own time and space again as much as I had before I settle back home; also that this hard-earned, functional constant numbness will keep me afloat for the next six months.

Here’s to another 24 weeks of drifting along the murky waters of adulthood!