Pre-Productive Panic Precinct

Rounded it all up to ten months on the job, and I am getting restless because there seem to be not many vacancies around for the next two. Oh, bother.

It’s almost halfway through November and I don’t know how to tell you what has been happening back in October other than my job being reduced to apartment maintenance service. I am not saying being in maintenance is bad; I am trying to say that I think the organization needs to make finer lines of job descriptions of each of their employees. Unfortunately, that is something no one in their extent of capabilities is willing to deal with.

With how the traffic is getting worse, and commuters are basically adopting survival mode every rush hour, which has gotten more and more ridiculous in fashion, ideally, I wish not only for a new job but also a chance to get myself out of this country. I have been over this countless of times, and I am afraid that is the only way I can still stay on track in fulfilling my responsibility for the family while keeping myself sane. Yet because the world is so inclined to make things hard for all of us, it is frustratingly blatant how arduous that path may be. Having these running through my head too many a times a day is really not good for me since they trigger that feeling of hopelessness and being stuck to my circumstances, and increases the intervals of me falling into the pit of depression.

On the bad days, I am mostly upset with everything and will rant it out to my Mum with a little coaxing. As much as I am grateful for her being there for me, I also feel bad that she needs to see me agonizing while she constantly feels like she can do more for the family despite her best efforts. It breaks me to hold my tongue as much as it does if I speak up.

I hate to admit that I cannot explain this, but on the good days, I would have this mechanism in which I just go on with my day and try out whatever opportunities are thrown my way. It doesn’t bother me much anymore when I get rejected, mostly because I expected it, but I was weirdly satisfied enough that I gave my best, and I’d move on to the next one without beating myself up too much like I used to. Once in a while, I panicked when the probability of staying in this job for another year strikes me, but I was still able to bounce back rather quickly. I am guessing I haven’t hit the real freak-out time frame yet. That made me worry about the fact that I may be slowly accepting the prospect of working here for another year because the current boss is chill enough while my brain is temporarily oblivious of how the new boss is going to be at work. And he’s coming next month.

My numbness has effectively infected my nervous alarm system, which is bad because that means my defense mechanism is faulty. Now I am freaking out a little because I am supposed to be borderline anxious at this point, but I’m not.

This is uncharted territory for me, but have you guys ever felt stuck, but at the same time also numbed by that feeling? And on top of that, also feeling like you should know that it’s bad, but you’re just not there yet that you slowly start building up anxiety? That’s how October has been for me.

It’s two weeks until the end of November, and I wish I will be in full-but-functional frenzy mode real soon to get me out of this place.

 

Correction: November is my ninth month on the job. Apparently, I have not only lost my ability to feel but also to count. Bummer.

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