Let me begin by saying this: I am supposed to make an entry of a long-overdue new story about the #TrashTrio with my buddies, @dilchh and @_salarymanblues. But I might have chosen the arduous way in the set-up of the story that it needs more research than I have my time with, and things at work lately have not been helping, so, instead, I’m back with a piece of another personal rant. (@dilchh and @_salarymanblues: I’m sorry for the delay and this unprecedented post, guys. Hope I can make up to it soon.)
Anyhow, after all this time,
always what sob story catalyzes this surprise rant post indeed?
Before I knew it, it’s been 16 months since I started on this job, and I cannot say enough how this has been quite an improvement from the last, especially when it comes to internal support of the team. As was with other jobs, there are times when things don’t work out as they supposed to due to miscommunication with other divisions and counterparts (some, unfortunately, due to a mix of high-strung egos, slowpoke bureaucracy, unclear procedures–which was exploited, and plain capability gaps). As someone who does not have enough patience to deal with these things, especially when it comes to catering to people whose feelings do not allow them to admit their inefficiency, this does not bode well with my anxiety and rage which, again, needs to be bottled up in the name of “professionalism” as well as getting the shit done and over with. I’m glad for how the team has always proven a sturdy fort, and I’d like to thank them for allowing me to be a bit candid about how uncomfortable I am with those situations.
That gives me some sort of hope that I can maybe suggest a thing or two improve upon the efficiency of our work, especially when it comes to time and planning. But maybe this is where I was wrong.
Similarly, when we were in the middle of concluding the previous work and initiating this new one, I did not see much difference now that our work is full-fledged running when it comes to time management and phasing activities. There’s still too many last-minute stuff going on, especially because “if not us, who else?” which I frankly think is not good enough a reason, considering we still have other things to focus on. Boss needs to frequently travel and seems always overworked that it’s hard to clarify our tasks, specifically when my colleagues and I need more information while there is barely any time to do so. This, I reckon, contributes the how she lately responded to our questions with “loaded answers” lately.
It would be easier if I can believe that this happens because the circumstances and time do not allow us to sit and talk properly why and how we need to do things, also to critically examine if it’s possible. But no, not with (1) my brilliant skill to somehow always get misunderstood when asking questions or demanding clarification, and (2) my impostor syndrome.
To cut the story short, after a couple of incidents, what happened last week had basically crossed one of the first levels of my patience. Even though I managed to put my usual “whatever” face, I ended up going home questioning where the hell I went wrong to deserve a passive-aggressive tone from someone who calls out other people for it. On one hand, I figured out where I must have missed her intention for a piece of information given, but on another, I genuinely felt that I cannot just slide this one off the hook.
For one, I disliked the fact that my skepticism and hesitation were thought of as me not wanting to do the job, after ALL the stupid ordeals I need to face for the sake of the work we do, and mainly, the fact that I am simply putting forward the feasibility of the request. For another, I also noticed that there have been too many occurrences that people seem to oversell this image they have about me that I am more than capable and reliable to carry on my tasks, and I hated myself for not being able to find what gives them that impression and put a stop in it.
I have been lucky, most of the time, and on other times, I had help and I made sure everyone knows that I did. This expectation that all works out due to my own prowess is exaggerated and burdensome, but people do not seem to believe me or care enough when I told them just exactly what it is.
This is what bothers me so much; not the fact that I might be on the wrong because I didn’t clearly understand the intention, but of this misconception on my personal and professional qualities; the former downgraded, the latter overestimated.
At the moment, I do not know still how I can deal with this without again getting misunderstood (I thought I’ve learned a thing or two about people, their feelings and empathy, but apparently not and, dear God, I abhor this so much). The only thing I have in mind right now is only how I can make sure all my tasks run smooth-sailingly until Friday, and perhaps I can work my way out afterwards (oh, and bad planning and lack of prioritization next to “involving feelings”, how dreadful).
Guess this is also another reminder that I work best mostly alone, which, as a line of work, is a myth, people say. In all seriousness, I want to get my hands on that guy who insisted humans are social beings and wring his neck until, considering he must be ancient enough not to belong in this world anymore, he dies in a painful second death.
Perhaps that “myth” actually exists, or maybe there is a way to get out of being misunderstood ever so often; only not for those like me. Then again, options remain only for the privileged, whose money, time and position, I have not.